The Mistress

She was his latest .He waxed eloquent when she was the topic .Her body ,her complexion ,her attitude …her looks …..Nothing was good enough for her .she had to have the best .Her her clothes ,her music system were the best that money could buy .He never tired of extolling her virtues and was always very sensitive to her moods .Her sound was pure music to him .Every whisper, every murmur had him running round in circles ..He never rested till she was happy .She was to look perfect when he took her out .and proud to show her off

His sensitivity where she was concerned knew no bounds and she knew well to play on his feelings .She had this sixth sense to play up on the days any outing was planned . .It would start with a hiccup followed by a cough ,then a wheeze and then the refusal to go anywhere. He would then peer into her insides ,a wipe there ,a pat here and she would be fine .He pored over journals and books to see what was good for her ,what will keep her purring and what will irritate her .And moody …by God she was …!

Every weekend you’d find him under her (no pun intended ).He would clean out her innards and wash her undersides till she groaned. He would spent hours brushin and polishing her body till she shone Any one who dared touch her had him to content with .All this attention as a wife that had to come to me was bestowed on her and the green eyed monster in me was straining at the leash to have a go at her .

But little does she know how fickle he is .She does not know that she is not the first one .She is his fifth .A new babe in the market …that’s all it takes for him to leave her .

Of late she’s been too cranky .Its her heart ..i believe its not working good as usual …the tubes, the valves or something ..there’s a murmur ….I’ve heard him discussing this with her specialist

Just days back I ve seen him poring over the pics of a new baby called Manza ….Dear Indica… I think your days are numbered …….

Fish curry a' la mohandas

Oh all right …all those who know me, knows that I am a lousy cook .Cooking is an art my husband is born with .(all thanks to his grandmother who honed this art to perfection in him )Ive done nothing to hinder it but only has seen to it that his talent is kept alive by handing over the kitchen to him from the time I got married .

The other day I had my cousin and her spouse over for lunch .Now my cousin is married to a true blue Goan . My husband knew that he came from the land of fish eaters (just GK ).So who better to test his fish recipes on. He looted our local fishmarket and we had- fish fried ,baked, smoked and curried .The only thing he didn’t attempt was a fish desert ( thank god for small mercies !)
Now the food was so good that I had our guests begging for the recipes .It was then it dawned to me that it would be a good thing to put it up for all those fish lovers out there….
And here it is …Meen kootaan a la Mohandas (u can pronounce it Maen-kut-ahn a la mohan…... Adds to the flavour! Sounds exotic too )

Ingredients
1 Sardines ..as much as you want (Please get it cleaned ,This recipe is for one Kg )
2. two large onions
3. Garlic .20 t0 25 pods (don’t forget to skin them )
4 .Ginger –a 1inch piece (use a ruler or inch tape )
5. 1/2 a coconut
6. Two tsp cumin
7 1 cup curd (the sour ones are better I am told )
8. Two green chilies –sliced
9. ¼ tsp turmeric powder
10.Two and a half to three tsp chillie powder
11. .salt to taste
12 . Tamarind the size of a small lime (soak it in warm water ,squeeze out to make a paste )
14 curry leaves (10 t0 15 )

I think I ve got it all Please improvise if you think some thing is missing

Method or is it procedure ( what ever !)

Grind the coconut (remember you have to scrape it first ) with cumin and the curd .(.add a little water if it is too thick and the mixie gets stuck) .Keep it aside
Slice the onions (not all of it ) keep a bit aside like about 1/4th
Add the powders (turmeric and chilly ) add the green chillies ,garlic (crushed) ginger (pieced )and curry leaves
Mix well with your hand (don’t forget to wash your hand after that ) .
Add 3 to4 cups of water , boil the whole lot .When the water is boiling well add the fish , the salt and the tamarind paste
.Boil till the water is reduced to 1/3 rd DO NOT STIR .
Now add the coconut- curd mixture to it and bring it to a boil .Keep boiling till you get the desired thickness
.Take it down from the stove
Now for the seasoning :
Take the small piece of onion kept aside …cut it into small pieces .Fry it in oil (preferably coconut) and add to the curry .Again a note of warning DO NOT STIR .Place a lid over the bowl so that the flavour does not escape .
Open at the time of serving .You are permitted to stir it lightly then .(me thinks ...the secret to the taste lies in not stirring )

Folks try it out ….and let me know
More to come if you liked it

Overheard .........

• In a car …

"The person whose car you are trying to overtake is not reacting …."

• At a house …

"Feel free to use our toilet …its dirty any way ."

"He wants a customized ear piece as he is selective in hearing ."

• in a class for 8 year old s

"We use our reproductory organs to breath ."

• In a driving school for cars …..

"We put out our left hand when we want to turn left."

"If I have an accident …i'll faint"
"Madam ,What if you caused it ?"
"All the same ,i'll faint."


"Madam ,I hope you are aware that each speed has a different gear"

• Man to his wife to be ……

"I am a regular at the bar ."(!!!!)

• At a mall ….

Young woman to young man (maybe her husband )
"How dare you knock my father down ……"

• At the hospital …..

"Don’t worry ,Its only a safety pin that he has swallowed and it was not open ."

• One four year old to the other …..

"Yesterday at the circus, the elephant stamped my toe …see i've put a handy plast on it"

• At a wedding …..

"Come again ….She s your aunt’s husband’s niece who is married to your brother’s wife’s ……".

• Seven year old to her mother ..

"Capital of Maharashtra ? I wrote Delhi but Sithara wrote Kapil Dev ."

"I ate all the chocolates because you didn’t tell me not to ."

• Man to five year old…..

"Son what is d. o.g"
"Dog"
"Ok so now you ask me something .....anything ."
"Okay …what is s.p.q"

• At the dentist …..

"Madam they are not cavities ,they are manholes. "

• Six year old first born ……

"Why didn’t you ask God for a better baby who’s not so naughty ?"

• A man to his car

"Now…what’s your problem today!!"

• Nineteen nothing to friend

"Oh I am so much in love with him"
Eeeek ..he’s a freak !!!
"That’s the best part"

• Son to mother

“Are you happy going over the pictures in the obituary page everyday ?Don’t you want to see yours on it someday ”

Shoe string ties

The street was bustling with people unleashed. . Sales and sales everywhere…. …and there I stood...on the brightly lit street with no particular thought in my mind .Faces hurried past me .. Bodies jostled to get into the buses and the autos did 80 to 360 degrees in that small space adding to the general confusion
I shifted my gaze to the vendors seated .From where I stood..in front of a hardware shop (my husbands idea of paradise )I could see the lady with the bananas, the lime man the,flower vendor and the girl with the greens .As they counted out the change and tucked them into their hidden pockets in the folds of their sarees and shirt, they carried on with their talks .A laugh here ,a sneer there and ,a shout to someone across the street in a world by themselves. I turned .My eyes picked and chose people by their attire and attitude...Colours mingled and separated to come together again ,Mothers dragging tiny tots ,wives dragging behind their hurrying husbands ,couples holding hands and strolling with all the time in the world …it was then I felt that I was being watched .I turned passing my eyes over the crowd , I saw her ,She was standing just a few feet away in front of a medical shop .
I searched her face …no no one I knew...Her clothes were trendy and new She was young and pretty in a newly married way .and that she was ,clear from her Punjabi ‘choodas’.But what caught my attention were her shoes Oh… they were so pretty .Being a shoe collector from birth (as my mother puts it )I could not take my eyes of them .They were delicate .Silver straps criss crossed over her toes to end in a studded buckle and her feet too, was perfect for it, well shaped and delicate ,the heels were silver. I stared and stared, I itched to know where she bought them from.
Now patience is not one of my virtues but impulsiveness is. (And quite proud of it too)In fact it’s my second nature.
I walked across to her and said “Hi, Nice Shoes” She looked taken aback .Her eyes filled up (Dear God ….what have I done now??)She caught my hand and with a smile said “Sorry, it’s just that you are the first person who has talked to me after coming here. I’ve been here for six months now .and have no friends, other than my husband of course...” She gave a light laugh and continued “Sorry I was staring …it was your shoes really...I had a similar one back in Chandigarh and I felt so nostalgic …….”

Vishu ....once more

One more Vishu ...As usual preparation starts the day before .Buying of vegetables ,grains ,cereals ,fruits,unniappams and of course Konna .Now this is the traditional one followed by my mother and i guess by the rest of the world at large .Now my sister and I ,we have a different way of looking at things .The usual 'Kani' is not for us and has not been so for some years .We keep things we are in need of, that particular year .Think positive and visualise your needs is our policy and as a first step towards this is keeping those objects or at least the models of those as 'Kani' by which we believe we will get it some time before the year ends .
Last year we had kept mobile phones ,the ones at home and the pictures of the latest models we wanted ,We also kept models of Mercedes Benz ,Lamborghini and a small aeroplane .And believe it or not I lost my old mobile and was gifted a new and better one ..so was the case with my sister .Now didn't get a Mercedes but my neighbour gave me a lift in his (fair enough !,I am not greedy)
This year our priority was different .This year Ive kept a laptop (the one I use is borrowed)and my sister has kept her microwave (she needs a new one )I did plan to keep my electric cooker but was vetoed by my Lord and master but he got the hint (I am half way there)and yes i kept a cutting of the latest canon (camera).
Even the Gods have undergone a change .I have gone for Murugan this year as i had only his picture and i felt that he deserved some consideration too .I also added the figure of a galloping horse because i want this year to go fast .Last year was too slow for me . This time instead of a plane i kept the model of a sailing ship .(planning to travel this year and see a few places )As eatables this time it was cashewnuts ,almonds and raisins. My daughter placed an empty pizza carton (her favourite )and a pamphlet of Dominoes Pizza which she stuck in an empty bucket of Baskin Robbins .
Not to be left behind my Lord and Master brought a brick (He is into constructions )and a bag of cement and placed it along with the other things .
All set and happy , we went to sleep, to get up in the morning for greeting the new year .So once again Happy Vishu and may all your wishes for the year come true

Vishnu (name changed)

He sat in front of me with eyes too big for his face ,fixed on my face .It shone with expectation and a little uncertainty .Even as I speak to him ,his gaze shifts to focus on something on the wall and roams about till I rapp him for attention .
We have been acquaintance for almost three weeks now .His reading has improved but not his grasp over the subject .
“Okay now, Vishnu (name changed for obvious reasons ) lets read the passage." .
He begins enthusiastically enough ,”Ek gaon mein ek darji tha ,”repeating after me .Uska naam tha Aslam." I stop. "Right....now tell me ..what was the tailors name ?”....He looks at me searchingly,"Aunty" ,he pauses, “ My birthday is in November.”
“Oh …did I ask you that?”Looking confused he turns back to the book before him and stares at it .I can almost hear the whirr and ,the click of his thoughts …
I sigh,” Lets start again .” Repeating slowly after me he labours to finish the passage .He gets stuck at the word Dukan again .Keeping my impatience in check ,I say “ Vishnu , you have read it just two seconds ago .Look at it well and think… what could it be .”
His eyes fixed on my face he starts chanting ,”da ,daa,di ,dee ,du ,doo …..He waits for a change in my expression and then he stammers ,.”.Du ..du …dukan”He smiles like a winner ..My patience straining at the leash I ask him to write the word five times .
I watch him as he, like a still life artist ,copies the word - curve ,whorl and line
We have been at this hammer and tongs for three weeks now .

Suddenly he looks up ,”Aunty , there were three elephants at the circus .”
“.Okay ....…so ?”
“No , nothing.”
I wait for him to finish .Suddenly he stops to stare intensely at his pencil .He holds the pointed end between his thumb and forefinger and looks thoughtful (.Now what !)
“Aunty ,He begins ,”You know Shashank of my class, he steals pencils and breaks them ,he also eats my snacks .”
I don’t have time to humour him so I ask tersely ,”Vishnu ,Have you realized that its your final exam in three days time ?Don’t you want to go to Second standard ?”
His reply is prompt , “No aunty , I want to go to Pre-Kg .There’s only playing there .”

Childhood truncated!!!!!

Eyebrows raised

Any women worth her sex would have been there and done that at least once in her life time These are places by women ,for women and of women but now there are exceptions Now you have them by men and not -so- men for men and women…. yeah..... I mean the beauty parlours.
The shaping of the eyebrows is one of the most riskiest operations done here ,due to its placement on your face .Its the one object on your face that can make or mar your looks. Its also a tool for expressing surprise ,disdain and anger After shaping them ,some people sport a permanent expression of surprise. Now note …no two eyebrows are alike ( I mean the human ones ) .There’s at least a hair’s difference from human to human .Actually our forensic department can use them in case fingerprints are not available …Interesting…eh ?They a vary in form ,texture and colour more than you can imagine .There are ones which are like straight lines, there are curved ones, thick and thin ones ,and some nonexistent ones .
No woman will dare step out of her house without her eyebrows done .I have a friend who rushed to the nearest parlour to have her eyebrows done, the moment she heard that a close relative of hers was critical and admitted .
‘Eyebrow shaping ‘ the ,most riskiest operation done in a beauty parlour .It involves various tools. A spool of thread is considered the best among them ..If you prefer otherwise you can cut them with a pair of scissors (preferably the moustache trimming ones ),tweeze them into shape with a pair of tweezers or burn them over a candle flame (done only as a last resort )
A lot of women prefer tweezing as its cheap and can be done at home .Its a DIY process basically . .All you need is a good tweezer, time, a steady hand and tissue to wipe your tears of pain .A steady hand is a must or you can take the help of your spouse, your neighbour and any one who is visiting your house at that time .
Paring with scissors is opted for 1. when you don’t have a parlour near by 2.You don’t have a tweezer and 3 .You Have have run out of candles .and of course the shape you get is questionable .and so the best option is threading .(period1 )
Threading is an operation that requires experience ,skill ,dexterity and a good mood(optional for the beautician ) .You have for the one with all the quantities and when you do find it,keep it , its worth it .Even a distance of 20km will not faze you .
A skilled beautician will hold the spool in her right palm ,loop the other end of the thread on her left finger and balance a bit between her teeth (oral hygiene is a must for this )and then she or he will loop ,twist ,jerk and pull ,… at the hairs on your brow .Sometimes there are assistants to hold your eyebrows up or to hold you down .
Sometimes you specify the shape you want (a straight line, a zig –zag ,a la Bipasha ,a curve , etc )or else leave it to the beautician and God .After its done your brows are smoothened with a cream( so that you don’t harbour any ill feelings )and is let out with a smile and a “come again ”but of course not before you’ve paid for it …
Now the rates are not standard, it differs from parlour to parlour. It can ago from Rs10 in’ just started’ parlours to Rs20 and 25 in an ‘ A grade established ones and 30 to 35 in de-grande –classe ones ,where the décor ,the ambiance and the attitude so overwhelms you that you meekly submit to them and let them them have their way with your eyebrows.... and more often than not exit with none at all .
The silver lining to the whole process is that God has been kind enough to give us eyebrows that grow back. Within a month’s period you’ll be your bushy self again ,ready to try out the new parlour in town .